Reasons why I sometimes look like I’m going to explode or chew your face off.

  1. You are the third person today to ask me how long does it take to make a quilt.
  2. You just asked me to hem a pair of pants.  Or replace the headliner in your car.
  3. You think it is okay to copy purchased patterns to pass out to your friends.  And then you all go out for lunch at $25 a head.
  4. You just laughingly informed me that I’m not making any money if Juan isn’t running.  After you just spent 20 minutes hanging out in my studio eating chocolate and chatting about your grandpa’s knee replacement surgery.
  5. You just whispered, posted or otherwise commented that using a computerized longarm is not real quilting.  As you slip your smartphone into your pocket and slide into your fully automatic vehicle to drive to your day job at the bank where you use the Internet to transact business in a building built with power equipment while at home someone uses a riding mower to make your yard beautiful.  Because technology is stupid.
  6. You make a comment under your breath indicating that you think your style of quilting is superior to that of other quilters.
  7. You think your way is the only way.
  8. You think that the way to make your dreams come true is by trying to crush someone else’s dream.
  9. You think nobody should be talking about you, but you don’t mind talking about everyone else.
  10. You think that you have just invented the wheel.
  11. You get yourself tied in a knot when I am not able to do what you have asked after you ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT listen to me when I told you that I was underskilled or overtasked.
  12. You refuse to understand that people’s lives and relationships are way more complicated that you will ever know.  Withhold judgment.  You will never have the whole story.
  13. You either don’t understand or don’t care that when I give you a handmade gift, it is the emotional equivalent to giving you a piece of my flesh.
  14. You are angry because I no longer give you handmade gifts, but I still do them for other people.
  15. You ask me for my opinion and then argue with me about it.
  16. You get angry with me for not giving you special treatment over someone else.
  17. You belittle or criticize me after I have finally broken down and asked for or accepted your help.  It will only happen once.
  18. You drop off 5 trash bags of 35 year old acrylic and polyester fabric, yarn and stuffing, then giggle and call me a hoarder.
  19. You lightly tease me for having so many unfinished projects, right after you ask me if I have time to help you with decorations for your big event.
  20. You call me at 8:30 at night and say, “Do you have a minute?” And then proceed to ask me to be involved in some emotional manipulation of a third party.  Let me be clear on this one.  Do not ever ask me to help you manipulate someone else.  In any form.  Especially if said third party is a teenager.  Or an adult.  Or female.  Or male.  Ever.
  21. You make note that my house is dusty, my extra rooms are unorganized and that I haven’t made dinner for my family in three days, then ask me if I wouldn’t mind dog sitting while you go on vacay.
  22. I am hormonally unstable.  In which case, all of the above may still warrant a trip on my crazy train, but I am much less able to prevent myself from printing you a ticket.